Am I lying to my therapist?
If you have to ask, maybe you are. But also, maybe you are not.
Ok, so that headline does not help either. But seriously, how do you know if you’re sharing everything with your therapist or if you’re lying/hiding some key details?
About 3 weeks ago, while I was getting ready to start my day, I found myself asking this question. “Am I lying to my therapist?” Of course, this wasn’t the real question, but it surprised and amused me to think that I may be lying, so I was curious nonetheless. The real question was, am I lying to myself in my personal therapy sessions? I thought about it for about an hour or so, running through the last few times I saw my therapist (PS - every therapist needs a therapist - PERIOD!), scanning our conversations and reading my scant notes for clues.
After some deliberation, I realised that I had been possibly more honest with this therapist than my previous one because I was being more open during our sessions than I thought I would be. Not more open because I intended to hide, but more open because the therapy itself lent itself so easily to transparency (I do IFS - what about you?). Some of the insights I was gaining were so novel to me that it was clear that there was sufficient congruence to make me confident in my assurance of honesty.
By the time I had finished my contemplation, my mind turned to my own clients, and I wondered how many of them had censored themselves during our sessions. How many details were left unshared and how much did they disclose to their partners (if I saw them as a couple) either in the sessions or at home? Even more thought-provoking was how much they chose to admit to themselves.
As therapists, coaches and mentors we are aware that our clients will share with us only as much as they want to and it is something I remind my clients of on occasion. “You don’t have to share this now, or you can choose what we will discuss”. These are some of the permissions I give to my clients. No time more so than when we’re turning to something difficult, new, or potentially triggering. Generally, clients are grateful that the burden of sharing too much is lifted, but I’m often pleasantly surprised by the deep truths that many do share with me.
Therapy is a remarkable thing. To sit in front of someone else, a stranger no less and share your life with them can be equal parts terrifying and freeing. Those who get the most out of it are the ones who are able to meet the therapist where they are at; being heard and seen even when they say nothing at all. I will never forget one client who shared how much he appreciated being “truly heard and seen for the first time” (this was in his very first session). It was such an emotional moment for him and a touching one for me.
What is more remarkable to me still, after just over a year of working with clients in placement settings (private and NHS) is that they come back week after week, having done the work and willing to do more. Their capacity to share, openly and honestly seems to grow with each discovery they make. This is one of the many beautiful aspects of therapy. It can deepen our capacity to share, grow and experience true transformation.
So why do some choose to keep things hidden and are they lying to me or themselves? Two weeks after my thoughts on my own therapy, I had a client share the details of something they had hidden. It was not something that I had not already considered (side note, your therapist can generally sense things) and in fact, it was a topic that we had discussed in previous sessions; but what was interesting was their reason for not having shared it before.
We discussed the revelation and the client was very open about the reason for the secrecy. Exploring the details, we reviewed what it may mean for them and for therapy in general. I must be explicit here. I’m honoured that the client chose to share this previously untold story but having chosen not to share it earlier did not make me question my work with her. In fact, the client went further than the disclosure to share exactly why they had not previously shared this particular detail. The reason was that though they knew I did not judge them, they didn’t want to be judged, or questioned or looked down on for the implications of the detail.
I was so curious and intrigued. Had I judged them in other sessions (overtly or subtly)? Had something I said or a facial expression I showed suggested that I would think differently of them? It reminded me of a time when another client shared why they stopped going to therapy years before seeing me. “One of my therapists had too many facial expressions”. Just like that, my mind went racing to my own facial cues. What had i been saying without uttering a word?
Thankfully, several months before I taught myself to pay attention to my own face during online client sessions so that I could monitor what my face said. I noticed to my surprise that most times, my expressions were neutral and that gave me some comfort, but not full relief in my non-verbal communication.
So, I realized that sharing this information might make the client feel judged. This isn’t surprising - no one wants to feel judged for what they share, and therapy is no exception to this universal human trait. However, there is a crucial distinction. Therapy - especially good therapy - should be a space where clients can be open with the hope that they won't face judgment.
This is the essence of therapy: when the relationship between client and therapist has developed a deep sense of trust and respect, clients feel free to disclose their deepest secrets and share their thoughts and feelings about therapy itself. When clients reach this level of trust in me, I understand that this is more important than withholding details of their lives. It is in this moment, when they feel or know they are safe, that the environment we have created together is judgment-free. In this space where clients can freely express themselves, they can begin to experience transformation.
Ultimately, clients who don’t share it all upfront may be the ones who have the most to gain in this pivotal moment in the therapeutic alliance. The place where they can see themselves as one who is worthy to be seen and heard because they have met themselves at a crucial juncture. One of finding themselves again, or even for the first time. Generally (but not always), they are the people who go away in between each session and “do the work”.
I remind my clients that therapy doesn’t happen in the room, but it takes place when they leave our session. It starts when they can take away our discussion, assimilate it into their own reality and begin to make the changes they want to see. They begin to transform into the thing, the person, the reality they want to be because their level of self-awareness increases with their level of self-worth. When they realise that “I am worthy of this moment”, their perspectives begin to shift.
Now, before you hang me up, let me caveat this and say that this is not the end of therapy, and by no means does it represent a cure. Therapy is NOT for the broken but for the brave! (NGreen 2022) It’s for the one who can say to themself (and eventually to me):
“I need help!”
”I can’t do this alone!”
”I don’t have all the answers!”
”I’m ready to face it!”
Will they still hide things? YES. Do they experience lows? YES. Are they likely to have more challenges? YES! We’re human, and a condition of humanity is frailty. It is recognising this that creates strength. We’re fallible creatures all struggling to keep our heads above the waves in one way or another. For some the fight is grittier, for others, we’ve developed coping strategies and tactical manoeuvres that allow us to win more battles than we lose. But one thing is certain, we’re all in need of help. It’s the brave who reach out and take it.
So how do you know if you’re lying or being lied to in therapy sessions? While I am still fairly new to the game, here is what I have learned and hope to share with you!
If you’re a client, here are some clues and questions you can ask yourself.
Are there things that you know that you’re not sharing with your therapist? Spend some time making a list of these areas and prioritise them into things you may discuss soon, never or one day. You may also decide to discuss them when. When you feel more comfortable, when you’ve tackled something else or when your therapist asks you about it directly. Each session is yours and you can work with your therapist for the best outcome for yourself.
Why are you not disclosing these themes/topics? If you find yourself shying away from certain topics, you may be avoiding them for a specific reason. Maybe it’s too soon to tackle them or maybe they are too triggering/uncomfortable. You don’t have to share everything with your therapist, but disclosing the key pieces to the puzzle can help him/her to work best with and for you. Try to be honest about the areas that you are not ready to discuss yet and work on an agreed timeframe of when you may be able to if that feels right.
Does the space you share with your therapist feel “safe enough”? If not, why not? Is there something about the space that does not feel comfortable? Therapy isn’t always comfortable. In fact, it can be very challenging and confronting. When you begin to feel challenged, it may be a sign that there is increased self-awareness. This can be a good thing, but be sure to work at your own pace, and discuss these feelings with your therapist if you’re not sure if it’s you or them. And if you’re still not sure, ask for an ending session and find a new therapist! This is always an option - though not necessarily the best solution.
Do you begin to feel uncomfortable or dread going to sessions when you know certain topics may be raised? Try talking to your therapist about the tension you face coming into a session and see if you can build the courage, to be honest about your concerns or anxiety.
Do you avoid accountability with your therapist? That is, do you recognise the role you play in the circumstance you’re sharing or explaining? You may not be aware, of your own part in things. Sometimes we feel that we’re the victim in a matter, but there may be aspects to the event/situation that you cannot see. Your therapist can help you become curious about yourself and your motives so that you can determine if there are things you need to view differently, change or work on in some other way.
Have you (like me) questioned whether (or not), or noticed that you may be lying/hiding details from your therapist? If so, you may be, and that’s ok. The fact that you are thinking of it is a good sign. There may be a part of you that is either hiding or wanting to be seen. Bring this to your next session and begin to unpack it with your therapist.
If you’re a therapist, here are some clues and questions you can ask yourself if you think a client is lying/censoring things from you:
Is your clients’ story inconsistent? This can sometimes be a sign of them not being truthful, but not always. Don’t judge, be curious.
Does your client deflect certain topics and avoid discussing them? Check and see what is happening with these themes. Is there a common thread? Probe gently and don’t judge, be cautious. Certain topics may be too difficult for your clients to face early on and you may need time to build the therapeutic relationship further.
Are the details minimal or evasive? Don’t assume it’s because the client is lying/hiding. It may be too painful or nothing at all. It may even be you. Don’t judge, be empathetic.
What are the non-verbal clues? Is there physical discomfort, change in body language or other non-verbal cues? Don’t judge, observe and try to get the client to use somatic scanning to ground themselves and look for clues.
Do your clients seem to exaggerate or fabricate the details? This is not easy to determine and we may be too quick to judge the level of grandiose in the detail. Don’t judge, listen for the clues.
Accountability - if your client consistently blames others or external circumstances for their problems without taking responsibility for their own actions or choices, it may suggest that there is a level of disconnect or non-disclosure on their role in the situation. The client may also be unaware of their role, so don’t judge.
It's important to remember that therapy is meant to be a safe space where honesty needs to be carefully curated and cultivated. Honesty and openness is important for good progress, but “lying” can also be a great therapeutic tool for the discerning therapist. If you are perceptive enough to recognise it, and skilled enough to use it, getting clients to open up on the things you know, think of feel about them (especially if you deem that it’s something they are hiding) then you and your clients can experience some incredible wins.
When clients are honest with their therapist, it enables the therapist to offer the most effective support and guidance tailored to their specific needs. If, as a client, you find yourself self-censoring, hiding information, or being outright dishonest, this can potentially be an important indicator of various underlying issues. These factors include your readiness for therapy, your level of comfort with your therapist, your progress, and perhaps your readiness to end therapy (your attachment). These are not failures on your part or the therapist's. They simply indicate where you are at that moment. Given time, most issues will surface in therapy, and those that don’t might be irrelevant to your story at that time.
Ultimately whether clients share every last detail of their lives with us is inconsequential. What matters is what they do share and what we do with it. How we respond, or not, how we support them and hold the frame, how we help them navigate the areas of their lives that they bring to each session and how we help them reach the next stage of their therapeutic goal.
Good therapists can work with all of it and clients who develop the level of openness necessary to share all, are no less valuable than the ones who don’t. Some clients will never fully diclose, and that is OK. It’s not a measure of how therapeutic the therapist is, it’s part of the process.
Returning to the client I mentioned earlier, when I explored their feelings on the matter and why they chose to share now, it became clear that the implications were significant for them. Sharing the truth meant they had to confront the issue directly and make necessary changes, rather than avoiding it. This is a difficult place to be, and I commended the client for their bravery and honesty.
Sharing this meant that they could start to think about the “what now and what next” and begin to work through the issue. Their bravery, like that of all of my clients, is remarkable, to say the least, and I honour their work. To me, it’s sacred.
So next time you think you may be lying to your therapist, or that your client may be lying to you, stop and think about what you can do with that information. Can you become curious, remain non-judgemental and use it in the work? Consider your own self-censorship. What are you not telling yourself and could you benefit if you were brave enough to share it with your therapist or better still, start your therapy journey?
Until next time, let’s talk about it…